Over the past three weeks of holidays and a marathon of family dinners/teas/lunches/visits, I have finally figured out how my in-laws view Eco.
I’m not sure if this is Spain in general, or the world in general, or just our family, but apparently, the only reason that Patri and I have brought Eco into this world is so that the women of Patri’s family have a new play doll.
I am somewhere between bemusement and annoyance about this, depending on my hormone levels on any given day.
As soon as another family (aunt, cousin, sister-in-law’s sister…) comes to visit, the following scenario plays out: the father of the family sits on the couch, keeping his jacket on and mumbling “well, then, let’s…” every other five minutes, the small kids tearing up the apartment, he older kids sitting bored on the couch playing with their cell phones, while the wife has walked in, picked up Eco (no matter whether he was sleeping in his crib), planted herself on the couch with him and continues to ignore her husband’s indirect pleas to leave while playing with our child as if Eco was exclusively her new play doll. Pinching his cheeks and starting to snap cell phone pictures included.
If it were my birth family, I’d tell them to back the hell off. Since they are my in-laws, I gnaw my teeth and shoot daggers at the cheek-pinching and cell phone flashes. Especially if they make Eco cry and then we get told that “uff, what a strange kid, how can he not be used to noises and people!”
Well, because we don’t thrown him at everyone since we actually like to spend our time with him, and also because at home, We. Don’t. Yell.
Really, all the women of the family are vying for their chances to take hold of Eco with something that verges on scary despair, as if the contact with someone so small, cute and defenseless and young would bring them back their own youth. Of course, Eco can’t really protest yet and as long as he can’t tell everyone to go jump in the lake, I try to balance my protectiveness with his state if mind. As long as he seems fine, I shut up and smile. As soon as he starts to cry and people still move him around like a doll, all hectic and nervous, with a new position every two seconds, I jump in, although Patri usually is quicker than I am.
Patri’s mother is also very fond of Eco. That’s great, and I’m very thankful for how naturally she accepts us and him and Patri’s and my marriage and everything, but sometimes, the grandmother hormones turn her into one big little girl who wants her doll, and she wants it NOW.
When she comes over to lunch, lunch takes four hours and it is difficult to convince her to let go of Eco while eating. When Eco starts to cry because he is hungry, she still doesn’t let go of him and more often than not you actually need to get up and take him away from her so that he can get his milk. When we visit her and leave and need to put him in his car seat, she walks onto the street and plants herself next to the car door to watch, making it nigh impossible for me and for Patri to move and fasten Eco’s seatbelt. And when we go to change Eco, she tags along to not miss a second of her grandson’s presence.
Okay, it is cute. It really is. But it’s also scary. And sometimes, it bugs the heck out of me, especially when she and all the women of Patri’s family are surprised that we apparently did NOT have this child so that they have something to play with, acting as if it is their natural right to march in and just take over.
Please, at least ask. And be a little considerate – when he cries, don’t yell or move him around frantically.
I don’t won’t to be unsocial or don’t let anyone near him, but I really don’t like the way they treat him like a doll or a toy.
When Eco was crying during a particularly noisy Christmas family dinner and we put him in the baby wrap for the duration of the (lengthy) lunch, we hadn’t gotten up for five minutes afterwards when the first sister-in-law asked with indignation, “Well, now you’re finally going it give him to us for a while, no?”
Argh!
I’d never even *ask* to hold another mother’s newborn baby out of respect for her and the baby and their still new bond. Not even my own mother would pick up Eco without making sure it’s okay with him, with Patri and with me.
Eco. Is. Not. A. Toy.
And I’d love to make the whole family write that on the blackboard a 100 times, just like Bart Simpson.
Okay, rant over. Really, is this normal? Am I normal? Are all families like this?
Enlighten me, please.
12/01/2012 at 11:19
Cultural differences, they call it
12/01/2012 at 11:31
Plus – yes, many families are like this. My girlfriend’s brother has one daughter aged 5 and another one was jut born the day before yesterday. Well, I’m thought of by the whole of her family as a bit strange (though they really love me and show it in every possible way), because I’m the non-family type. While they all behave like a huge stereotype Italian familia (we’re Polish, be remined
). You know, all the possoble free time together, vacations together, everybody knows everything about everybody, etc.
And the moment each of the girls were born, they immediately became the centre of all family interest (acceptable) and activity (terrible). When the older girl was born, everybody came to visit to the hospital. With the younger girl I avoided being dragged there the very day the little one was born (!), but my girlfriend was not allowed to step back (and didn’t want to, as a matter of fact
). You know – The Very Day, you sisters-in-law storm (or are dragged into, in my case) you hospital room, togehter with parents-in-law.
As a matter of fact, the little girls’ mother doesn’t mind too much, because she fits well into this overly sociable
family. If it was me, I would kill, although I’m very well aware everybody is simply concerned, good-willed and believe that their presence will do good to the mother and the baby.
Oh well.
12/01/2012 at 11:33
Blah. Sorry for the spelling mistakes.
12/01/2012 at 12:22
Excuse my ….
I would say there are families and… there are families! There are also some cultural differences [not only between germans/spaniards or in this case basques but also "a generational" gap]; there may be some urban/small town differences; and there are … individual differences indeed! Some people do yell instead of talking, some other are disrespectful not only of babies needs but of older kids needs!
I guess it’s their way of showing affection, not that they consider Eco or any baby “a toy”. In fact, they might think that if they do not do that way the new parents would think they do not “care” for the baby!
In my family, I had samples of all the “human zoo”
except for the “picking up the baby while sleeping in his crib”. Oh no way! If such the case, I guess I would have knocked someone out! Baby’s sleep is sacred!
I would suggest “take it easy”, some more “paying the visit” and it’ll be over.
And about grandmothers… well, that’ll never pass, sorry to tell you. Being a grandmother is some kind of “special state of grace”
and they do things they hadn’t done with their own kids.
12/01/2012 at 17:36
I couldn’t expect them to behave any different. I’ve had people asking me to bring my newborn baby to work so everyone could meet her…*sigh* They didn’t like my “That’s not going to happen” response.
About grandma’s… they have all the powers over their grandchildren. It’s like they already did their job with us and now they can finally enjoy our babies. My mom has given me tons of girly clothes and my mother in law is already thinking about the 1rst birthday party theme.
Thank God I don’t have a lot of relatives and we don’t usually have visitors.
14/01/2012 at 12:38
thank you all for weighing in!
I think I can live with the “cultural differences” part where children are viewed much more as a community thing and not as a family thing. Grandmothers being a category on their own, fine. I can even live with the cheek-pinching and photo-snapping, although I’d be much more on the fence about it if Eco was a girl (girls get objectified soon enough, I don’t need them to learn “ah, if I hold still and smile, people will like me” within the first months of life) – to me, it goes against his dignity to be treated like a plaything, but as long as he isn’t uncomfortable or unhappy, fine.
I draw the line, however, when Eco is crying or visibly nervous and unhappy. Basically, I get mad when people put their desire to “have something (not someone, mind you) cute to play with” above the interests of the child in question – like continuing to yell around him when it makes him cry, shaking him nervously when he wants to be left in peace or blocking the car entry in the middle of the road where he would need to be placed safely in his car seat as quick as possible. That, to me, is selfish and inconsiderate, and it is a behavior I don’t tolerate in general and even less around Eco.
How can any adult be so immature and selfish as to put their own joy and happiness above the happiness and safety of a defenseless child (that they claim to love!)?!!